28 May 2007

Bush Invades New Zealand

President Bush today surprised international observers by ordering a full-scale invasion of New Zealand. He said US paratroopers had secured a stronghold in Rotorua overnight and were now fanning out over the countryside. Two sheep were believed to have died after becoming trapped in billowing parachutes, and several US soldiers were being treated after inhaling noxious sulphur fumes. Bush also said that two US Navy patrol boats were blockading Aukland harbour. He refused to say whether or not they were nuclear powered.

Citing his new policy of pre-emptive war, Bush gave a number of reasons for the attack. He said that methane emissions from New Zealand sheep represented "a clear and present danger to the global warming thing". As such, he said, they were "a threat to US interests". He also accused Helen Clark of planning to develop WMDs from volcanic gases, and suggested that New Zealand sheep were being subjected to inhumane and degrading abuse.

A White House spokesman said UN Resolution 1234, which authorized the US invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, provided justification for this latest attack. US forces were accompanied by an Australian Army sheepdog and a vet from Palau. Bush declared this "coalition" was a "comprehensive response to the international outrage".

US Democrat leaders expressed concern that their military was being over-extended. A Pentagon spokeswomman replied that only 23 soldiers would be required to secure the North Island, and another 14 to secure the South Island. Pointing to reforms under Donald Rumsfeld's leadership, she said the newly streamlined US military expected to declare Mission Accomplished any time within the next few minutes.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney denied the invasion had anything to do with recent oil discoveries off the New Zealand coastline.